Bittersweet

Since I was a little girl my parents always taught my sister and I that when you make a commitment to something you keep it. Your dedication and promise to someone or something meant more than just simple words. That is something that has stuck with me my whole life. When my athletic career began to take off there were times when I didn’t think I was strong enough to do it. Times when I was being pushed to my limits and wanted to be a typical 14 year old and bow out and quit. My parents have been and will always be my biggest fans and supporters. Even though they knew I had the potential to go to the Olympics one day, they would have let me quit if I wanted to. As long as my sister and I were happy, we could do whatever we wanted.

There was just one rule.

If I committed to competing for a season, I was competing for that season. The time, energy and sacrifice of so many people around me to prepare for a competitive year on the international gymnastics scene was huge. Everyone becomes emotionally invested because they are basically a team of people trying to get the absolute best out of you. I remember my coach would have trouble sleeping if I wasn’t training well before a big meet and my club and all the families would fundraise to send me to another world cup I couldn’t pay for. It wouldn’t just affect me if I stopped cold turkey, it would affect everyone around me and was ungrateful.

So even now, how many years later, I still keep that at heart. When I decided I needed to make a big change in my life, I did it and didn’t think too much about it. After two years of living with a great friend I just pretty abruptly got out of my lease. A few months ago it didn’t seem like that big of a deal, but as I began to pack up my things and say goodbye to the all the people and memories that have come and gone I wanted to go back on my word and stay.

There were definitely a few moments where I doubted if I had made the right choice this week. Standing on my balcony last night for the last time with my last roommate was hard. My room an empty shell, our place not ours anymore. It’s funny because I never thought I would get this choked up, but my life was that place. It was easy and comfortable and fun. I lived with my best friend for two years, it’s sad to think we’ll never be able to be that close again. I mean, seeing her struggle to get up and out of bed every morning is probably one of the most amusing things ever…going on last minute unexpected adventures in the city is up there too.

I spent my first night in a new bed, in a new room and it was weird. Something that will take time to get used to for sure. I know deep down that this is what I have to do and moving out on my own is a little scary, but it’s that next step. It’s time to grow up.

“last night in the condo. too blurryto even cry. music was just how i like it. deal with the ghetto. love you more than you know. brazilians what? 4am sweet potatoe fries. much love babe”

Learned My Lesson

I had a very humbling moment last night. I'm not even sure if humbling is the right word to describe it, but it was one of those times where you all of a sudden see yourself and your friends in a different light. A year ago this conversation would not have gone the way it did and that's ok, but it was different yesterday for a reason.

We get so caught up in the past and history and things that once seemed life ending that we forget how much we've grown and how far we've come from that point. I didn't see it until now.

I didn't give my best friend the credit she deserved, I didn't give her the benefit of the doubt that yes maybe she just did want me to be happy. Drama and scandals and gossip have surrounded my young adulthood and I couldn't open my eyes wide enough to see that we're past all that.

I sat across from her with an open heart for the first time in a long time and thought I would lose her. I was stupid to think that she would go anywhere. She's been there for me through everything and believe me I didn't have the typical problems that teenagers go through...but she never ran like so many others before her did.

I wish that I had realized we were grown ups a long time before I knew it, but maybe I wasn't ready to see it then.

Funny how life works sometimes.

As the words fell from my lips I knew that I had done the right thing. The last thing I have ever wanted was to hurt her, but keeping things hidden just makes it worse in the end.

Thank you for being such an amazing person. I don't deserve you in my life. I just wish I had been stronger to come to you earlier...

before i lost it, before i gave up on something,before i hurt him

I love you.

Who doesn't know this?

Alright I need to put this out there because I actually don't believe that the majority of people don't know what this expression means...

If someone says I am falling down the rabbit hole please tell me that the general population would recognize that it's a very famous line from Alice in Wonderland or at least understand what it's referring to...

I realize that if you didn't grow up in a Disney household (which kinda makes me sad) you may have not seen it, but at some point at some time in your life you would've had to run into this saying and asked what it meant...I mean cmon!

FYI - falling down the rabbit hole means your world is turning upside down and you don't know what's what or what's real anymore...basically spiraling downward into an alternate universe or frame of mind

Just in case you are one of those people that didn't know.

Worst pick up line of the night..

I have two questions for you...

#1 - are you single? 100%?
#2 - what time do you work in the morning?

Boys please don't try this one.

Something in your eyes

You can see right through me when you're looking into my eyes. No matter what kind of front I'm putting up or how tough I think I am standing there...my eyes give it all away. Everytime.

I think that's why I'm always always in big sunglasses...and here I thought it was just a fun fashion statement...your mind plays tricks on you sometimes...(go figure)

It's funny - it's so easy to hide emotion behind that thin dark piece of plastic, putting up a wall between you and the person sitting literally at arms length.

A quiet defense, a piece of armor to slip away with dignity.

Yet the second they come off your face you lose the battle. Your achilles heel. Your wounds open for anyone to see.

Making it too easy for you.

Cover your eyes little girl, it's not worth it.

Alexandra Orlando LIVE

Am I really an author now...

I grew up hating english in school. I was the math/science girl - yes a little bit of a nerd too which I whole heartedly embraced. The writing thing was never my forte. I struggled with essays and could never express myself, not to mention my sister was the gifted writer in the family. An incredible poet, speaker, actress, singer...she is the creative one and I happily assumed the role as the athlete. No complaints there.

So it's kind of ironic now that I started to write a few years ago and then dabbled in some blogs for CBC, the Toronto Star, Lenovo, Commonwealth Games Canada, the Strength Within Group...

I honestly began to love it. Working with an editor at CBC was one of the greatest experiences in my professional career. Not only did he help me hone my writing skills, but got me to open up and write in a way that could affect people.

Raw emotion.

So two years ago when my life changed...

when I lost the thing I loved to do the most, reached a goal I had had my entire life, walked away from someone that I will always hold in my heart, went back to University and had to deal with ten years of putting my body on a wild rollercoaster ride

....The feelings and emotions were too much to even understand or talk about so I started to write. I bought one of those big leather bound sketch books and began to fill it up. From lyrics to journal entries to collages and advertisements that meant something to me - my heart and soul went into it. From this book I found my love of writing and I guess the rest is history.

A few weeks ago I pitched an idea to the President of a Publishing company, Burman Books Inc, that I met out of luck at an event earlier this year. He loved it. I loved it. Long story short, I JUST SIGNED A PUBLISHING CONTRACT TO PUBLISH MY FIRST BOOK NEXT FALL!!!

Does this make me a real author now?! :)